Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a joy-filled moment, and suddenly, your mind goes to all the ways things could go wrong? You might be at the start of a much-needed vacation to a place you’ve always wanted to visit and think, “I hope nothing bad happens while I’m away.” Maybe you’re out with your partner enjoying a laugh, and you find yourself wondering, “What if I lose them?” Or you just landed a job that aligns with your long-term goals and you start to imagine all the ways you could get fired. If you’ve felt vulnerable when experiencing “the good stuff” of life, you may be experiencing what research professor and author Brené Brown calls “foreboding joy.” 

In Atlas of the Heart, a book on mapping out and understanding the range of emotions we encounter throughout our lives, Brown defines “foreboding joy” as a tendency to imagine or anticipate tragedy or disappointment during our happiest moments. She connects this feeling to our difficulties with experiencing vulnerability. When we think of vulnerable emotions, our minds may first think of sadness, fear, shame, or grief. But experiencing joy, though it feels good and is an emotion we naturally seek out, can feel just as vulnerable. 

“When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding,” Brown writes. “No emotion is more frightening than joy, because we believe if we allow ourselves to feel joy, we are inviting disaster.”  

Whether we are falling in love, becoming a parent, receiving good news, celebrating a milestone, or sharing a meaningful connection with a friend, experiencing joy means that we have allowed ourselves to become emotionally invested in something that matters to us. And wherever there is deep meaning, there is also the possibility of loss.

In other words, the discomfort we feel may not actually be about experiencing joy. It may be about the uncertainty that comes with letting ourselves care deeply. When confronted with the possibility that we could lose something we care about, even though that possibility remains unknown, our minds naturally try to make us feel safer by trying to protect us from uncertainty.

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Why Our Minds Try to Protect Us from Uncertainty

Our minds are constantly scanning for problems or threats and looking for ways to find solutions or protect us from danger. Much of the time, this serves an important purpose. Our mind’s problem-solving abilities and threat detection systems help us anticipate challenges, prepare for the future, and learn from past experiences. However, when confronted with unknown outcomes, our minds often treat uncertainty as a problem to be solved rather than a reality to be experienced. 

When our minds are busy trying to treat uncertainty as a problem to be solved, our thoughts may sound something like:

• “What if this doesn’t last?”
• “What if I become attached to this and I lose it?”
• “What if I get my hopes up for nothing?” 

In this way, our minds go into problem-solving mode to prepare us for possible future scenarios or to brace us for potential pain. Given that we cannot predict future outcomes, the “what ifs” or the mindset of “waiting for the other shoe to drop” are thought processes that make sense in response to the natural uncertainty of life. However, what are the costs of losing our tolerance for uncertainty?

In The Happiness Trap, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) therapist Russ Harris describes our tendency to shield ourselves from the possibility of pain through the concept of “experiential avoidance,” or the attempts we make to avoid, control, or get rid of difficult thoughts and feelings, even when those efforts ultimately contribute to our suffering and take us away from the present moment. 

We may think of experiential avoidance as pushing away emotions we don’t typically like to feel, such as anxiety, sadness, or grief. However, our minds also find ways to push away from the experience of the moments that bring us the most fulfilment because we are afraid to lean into the vulnerable – and fleeting – experience of joy.

The joy we’ve experienced – from the good news, the laughs, the milestones, the relationships we’re building – is still a part of our experience. But our minds, in their valiant efforts to protect us, may have already taken us away to a future where something has gone wrong.

From an ACT perspective, we do not need to – and cannot – stop our minds from creating these thoughts or control the emotions that come up. Our minds are going to problem-solve, try to predict the future, and warn us of potential loss, and we may feel all types of ways about it. To address this, ACT encourages us to accept that those thoughts and feelings are a natural part of how our minds work. Then, we can notice when those thoughts come up, and gently return our attention to the present moment. We may tell ourselves, “My mind is trying to protect me from uncertainty right now because something here matters to me,” and we can savor the joy of this moment while it’s here.

This doesn’t mean we get rid of uncertainty or the vulnerability that comes with it, but we can practice accepting that these thoughts are a natural part of responding to the unpredictable experience of being alive, and are part of what it means to fully engage in a meaningful life. 

Learning to Notice “the Good Stuff” Without Needing Guarantees

So, how do we lean into joyful moments despite knowing this emotion won’t last forever and despite not knowing what will happen in the future? Brown offers some guidance on how to address foreboding joy: her research shows that participants who showed a deep capacity for joy shared a capacity for practicing gratitude.

When we make efforts to practice gratitude when “the good stuff” of life comes up, we can return our attention to the present moment. We may gently shift from noticing the “What ifs?” to focusing on “What is?” This may look like: 

1. Letting gratitude and anxiety coexist: 

We don’t have to eliminate the thought that says, “What if something happens?” before we can appreciate “what is” right now. You may say: “I’m noticing some fear about losing something that matters to me, and I’m also grateful that I get to experience it right now.” 

2. Taking a moment to savor what’s around you:

When you’re experiencing something joyful or meaningful, pause to notice the details of your surroundings: the sound of the laughter, the warmth of the sun, the taste of the meal, the feeling of having a good day.

3. Turning gratitude into action: 

If you notice that something is important to you, let what you value guide your behavior. Tell a person you love them. Send a text when you’re thinking of someone. Take a picture of the sunset you’re enjoying. Linger a little longer at the restaurant. Gratitude can become a way we choose to more fully participate in moments that matter rather than simply thinking about doing them.

Practicing gratitude doesn’t guarantee that things will keep going well, but it helps us to build a tolerance for the vulnerability of appreciating what matters and build resilience toward uncertainty. 

Where foreboding joy might say, “What if this ends?”, we can respond and say, “Right now, this is here and I’m willing to be present for it, even without knowing what comes next.”