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***SPOILERS AHEAD FOR SEASON 1 & 2 OF THE PITT, PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK***

If you’re like me, you’ve been hooked on the new season of HBO's The Pitt. Each season centers on one hours long shift at a Pittsburgh emergency department. Underneath all the medical chaos, there is a very human story this season with Dr. Langdon and Dr. Robby about disappointment, and what happens to us when we let others down. 

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Dr. Langdon and Dr. Robby: A Relationship Eroded by Expectation

When we first met Dr. Langdon in season one, he was someone Dr. Robby trusted, wanted to  succeed and had poured a lot of himself into. Robby was a role model of a skilled physician, his mentor and close colleague. However, the person Robby thought he knew began to erode after the uncovering of Langdon's struggles with substance use, his lapses in judgment, and dishonesty. A gap opened between who Langdon was and who Robby wanted him to be.

Now, in season two, their dynamic feels heavier and more tense. Robby's behavior has shifted to colder, quicker to pull rank, and harder to read. While Langdon is carrying the particular kind of grief that from knowing you are the reason the relationship changed.

Disappointment comes from the gap between what actually happened and what might have been, if only things had gone differently (Marcatto & Ferrante, 2008). Langdon is stuck in the gap of comparing the reality of who he became with the version of himself that Robby once saw. And that comparison, researchers Marcatto and Ferrante (2008) tell us, is one of the most psychologically destabilizing places a person can occupy.

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So What Does it Actually Feel like to Disappoint Someone?

For many people, disappointment is not just sadness, but in combination with shame. It’s the uncomfortable sense that something bad about yourself has been confirmed in someone else's eyes. Furthermore, when the person you've disappointed is someone whose opinion carries real weight, that sting is sharper.

Disappointment also shifts our perceptions of seemingly innocuous events. When we sense we’ve disappointed others, we tend to get rigid. We lock into a fixed version of how things are, and more painfully how things could have been, without leaving much room for the idea that the story isn't over yet (Bronstein, 2015). Langdon shows us this clearly. He starts the season off with the sense that the wound is permanent, as though there is no future where things will be different.

Disappointing others taps into the most human part of us. We're built for connection, wanting to be seen, valued, and accepted. Our fear response can be out of proportion to the actual situation when we feel we've damaged someone's perception of us. This fear can become chronic for some, particularly those who grew up in spaces where love felt conditional or where disappointing others had real consequences. Instead of being a normal part of relationships, disappointment can begin to feel like a threat to the relationship itself or even one’s own self-worth.

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The Cost of Trying to Never Disappoint Anyone

Dr. Robby's response to being disappointed is written all over him. He pulls back, hardens, and leads from a place of controlled distance. You can feel his disappointment through the screen. Being on the receiving end of this type of disappointment can feel like a pit in your stomach that won’t go away, an endless sense of dread. In an effort to avoid this unbearable feeling, many of us learn to contort ourselves to prevent it entirely. However, this comes at a cost. 

When we do this, it can lead to burnout, chronic anxiety, and losing our sense of self in service of managing and pleasing others. Relationships can also quietly hollow out. When we are continually shifting and changing ourselves for others, we are never fully honest about who we are, our limits and our needs. 

Real connection requires the risk of disappointing each other. That's not a flaw in relationships, but part of what makes them real.

If You Find Yourself in Langdon's Shoes

There is something both painful and instructive about watching someone you've hurt pull away. You feel the distance, and you can't always close it on their timeline. What you can do is learn how to move through the experience yourself. Here are some things that can help:

1. Name It

When you start to feel the overwhelming feelings come up, stop and describe it. Ask yourself: 

“What am I feeling right now?”

“What is this feeling trying to tell me about the situation? 

“What is this feeling trying to tell me about myself?” 

Feelings are not facts. Feelings are an interpretation (e.g., they hate me) and not necessarily factual (e.g., they are busy and cannot talk). Labeling the feeling out loud can start to take some of the power away.

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2. Distinguish the harm from the discomfort.

Not all disappointment is the result of doing something wrong. Sometimes actions were taken because they were the best decision at the time, most aligned with your needs, or simply not what someone else needed. The crucial distinction is: did I cause harm, or am I just uncomfortable with someone else's feelings?

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3. Empathize without absorbing.

You can care about how someone else feels without taking responsibility for their emotions. Someone can feel disappointed and you can keep moving forward. These things can be true at the same time. Give yourself permission to let go of their feelings by creating space for shared feelings: "I understand this is really disappointing, and I'm disappointed too."

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4. Be kind to yourself.

It is not a character flaw to feel the heaviness of disappointing others. It means you care about those around you, and that is something to honor. The goal is not to care less, but to carry it with more ease.

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Conclusion

One of the most uncomfortable parts of being in relationships is when we disappoint others. It changes how they see us, how we see others, and more importantly, how we see ourselves. We all have likely, at one time or another, been Dr. Langdon, carrying the weight of falling short, and Dr. Robby, pulling away to cope with disappointment. What matters is that being stuck between what was and what could have been costs us more than moving forward does. And moving forward, even if imperfectly, is always an option

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References: 

• Bronstein, C. (2015). The analyst’s disappointment: An everyday struggle. JAPA, 63(3), 1173–1192.
• Marcatto, F. & Ferrante, D. (2008). The regret and disappointment scale: An instrument for assessing regret and disappointment in decision making. Judgment and Decision Making, 3(1), 87–99.
• How to Cope with Anxiety Around Disappointing Others – While Still Doing What’s Right for You 
• How to Disappointment Others Better ‍
• The Power of Disappointment