August is a time of year when the heat of summer begins to wind down, and the chill of fall starts to creep back into the air. In a prior life, I worked as an educator and administrator at colleges and universities for over 10 years. This time of year always got me excited because it felt like something new was ready to be born, creating an infectious energy that could be felt all across campus.

As an educator, I often met students when they were in the throes of asking questions like, “Who am I?” or “What is my purpose?” Where I often met them was in a space filled with wonder and curiosity, something we frequently think of as only reserved for infancy, early childhood, and just before we enter adulthood. 

Yet life is constantly filled with new beginnings. Some are obvious and recognizable, like changing a career, getting married, parenthood, or retirement. Others are more internal that may go unnoticed by the outside world. Things such as ending a long-term relationship, coming to understand a new part of your identity, coming out, or finding community where you feel you belong. Each of these moments invites us back into that same sense of wonder and self-reflection. We are forced to grapple with the questions we once had answers to. What matters to me? Where do I belong? What do I want the next chapter of my life to look like?

So, how do we recapture that sense of curiosity when we find ourselves beginning again, and where do we even start? One place we can start is in therapy.

‍

Making Space for Curiosity

Identity development is too often treated as something that is only reserved for certain parts of our life, like adolescence or young adulthood. We are expected to have explored our interests, established our core values, chosen a career, built relationships, and have arrived at some stable understanding of who we are. But perhaps identity is less of a destination and instead is more of a story that continues to unfold as we age.

Our understanding of ourselves is shaped by the experiences we have, the relationships we form, the communities we belong to, and the meaning we ascribe to what happens to us day to day. As our circumstances change, our understanding of ourselves can change with them. As we age with time we begin to understand who we are in that moment and how we show up in the world.

Naturally though, we all reach a point where the information on the ground changes, relationships evolve, and our priorities may begin to shift. As these changes occur, uncertainty can start to build, and we begin to question how we once understood things. This does not mean that we have failed to "figure ourselves out." Rather, we have likely ended one season of life and are about to enter a new chapter that requires us to become curious again. While these moments can bring about a lot of discomfort, they can also invite in opportunities for real growth and learning more about ourselves.

One of the gifts of therapy is creating a space where we not only explore our stories but invite room for curiosity during each session. Therapy challenges us to not always have immediate answers while giving us permission to slow down and notice what is happening within us. Therapy allows us the opportunity to ask questions we may not otherwise have the time or space to consider. In a world that often tells us to keep moving and have our next steps figured out, therapy provides a refuge where we do not have to have it all figured out. Instead, we can prioritize wonder and self-reflection as we wait to see what unfolds.

‍

Exploring the Stories We Tell About Ourselves

One way of exploring identity is through the stories we tell about our lives. We naturally organize our experiences into narratives that help us understand who we are and how we arrived at the present moment. As a therapist, I often borrow from the work of Michael White and use Narrative Therapy to explore this very idea.

Over time, the stories we inherit can become particularly influential on ourselves, where we can derive a lot of self-worth out of continuing to fulfill a certain narrative. We might begin to see ourselves as “the responsible one,” “the successful one,” “the caregiver,” “the outsider,” or “the person who always struggles.” In some instances, there can be shades of honesty in these descriptions as they may have developed from real experiences. Frequently though, these titles rarely capture the entirety of who we are.

Narrative therapy is a process where we are invited to become curious again about our story. Where did they come from? Who or what influenced them? What experiences have reinforced them? Perhaps just as importantly, what experiences do not fit perfectly within them?

The goal is not to rewrite the past or turn difficult experiences into something positive. Instead, we look to create a fuller story. One that is more authentic and rich, that allows room for both the joyful and the difficult experiences, as well as the ways we have responded to them.

Asking What Matters Now

Looking at our stories will often naturally lead to a place where we begin to explore what matters to me now and where am I headed. As a therapist, I will frequently remind clients that those answers also lie inward. We have to look no farther than the very values that make us who we are.

Rather than a list of accomplishments or goals, values reflect qualities and principles that give our lives meaning. Values are the things that drive us toward connection and authenticity. For some, values take shape in the form of creativity, family, respect, or compassion. Others find guidance in the form of independence, integrity, spirituality, or empathy. Sometimes our values will remain relatively consistent throughout our lives. Other times, they change as we gain new experiences and enter different stages of life.

Reflecting on our values can help us identify what makes each of us unique. Exploring our values also helps us notice the difference between what we genuinely care about and what we have been taught we are supposed to care about. This can be particularly important during periods of transition. We may discover that a career, relationship, or role once aligned with what mattered to us but no longer does. Alternatively, we may realize that something we once dismissed has become far more meaningful.

When I worked with student leaders, I would often cite the work of Brené Brown using some of her values exercises. When we start with our why or our values, we bring awareness to what matters to us. When we know what drives us, we have a clearer understanding of the principles that guide our decision-making.

This does not necessarily mean every decision becomes easier, nor does it guarantee certainty. Life often presents us with choices that involve competing priorities and ambiguity. However, when we are connected to our values, we have a framework for navigating those moments. Values can serve as a compass, helping us identify if our choices are moving us toward the kind of person we want to be rather than what may feel like the most comfortable, expected, or immediately rewarding option. In using our values to guide important decisions, we gain insight not only into where we want to go, but also into who we are becoming along the way.

‍

Permission to Begin Again

Perhaps one of the most important parts of identity development is recognizing that we are allowed to begin again. We do not need to be a twenty-year-old in a dorm room in order to have permission to become curious about ourselves again. And once we do begin to find ourselves, we also do not need to have a clear five-year plan mapped out right away either.

Beginning again may mean trying something new, reconsidering an old belief, finding a different community, changing the way we understand a past experience, or simply allowing ourselves to ask questions without immediately demanding answers.

Identity is not something we complete. It is something we continue to develop as we move through different chapters of our lives. Maybe the goal is not to finally figure out exactly who we are but rather to remain curious enough to keep discovering ourselves every day.

‍

References & Resources:

• Narrative Therapy
• Dare to Lead | List of Values