Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is related to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), but differs in goals and focus. CBT helps people recognize unhelpful thought patterns and redirect them for more positive outcomes. DBT helps people recognize and accept their emotions to avoid or redirect destructive behaviors. Ultimately, both can help us become more aware of our thoughts and behavior, practice mindfulness, and regulate our emotions for better outcomes in our day to day lives. 

In therapeutic settings GIVE (Gentle, Interested, Validate, and Easy) is helpful in addressing diagnoses that involve emotional regulation like personality disorders, autism spectrum disorder, and PTSD. People who manage these mental health issues may experience unwanted thoughts and behaviors stemming from emotional distress and impulses that are difficult to control. They understand that in order to function in society they need an extra measure of self awareness and self possession. In the workplace where we are expected to regulate our emotions more than normally, GIVE outlines important choices we can make and things we should take into consideration before reacting to an unpredictable or unpleasant colleague.

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Gentle, Interested, Validate, and Easy 

A workplace takes all sorts of people to run successfully. Sometimes a coworker has the technical skills they need to contribute productively to the team, but lacks the interpersonal skills to interact with colleagues without causing distress or offense. Interacting with difficult coworkers can push the best of us past our limit. How do you conduct work relationships with unpleasant and reactive people without losing your cool? GIVE provides a roadmap we can use to monitor our speaking, listening, and body language to most effectively communicate with even the most difficult colleagues.

At the same time that it works as a tool to combat emotional dysregulation, GIVE also provides us with a more constructive and compassionate approach to those who are dealing with their own emotional dysregulation. As we become more aware of our emotions, we grow our capacity to understand other people’s emotions. This approach is designed to defuse tension, give you the emotional grounding to tolerate interpersonal discomfort, and help you foster an inclusive workplace.

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Gentle: Be Gentle in Your Approach and Manner

When someone is responding reactively, you’re likely to respond in kind without even thinking about it. That’s understandable; if someone else is getting heated, won’t you get heated also to match their tone? This is where mindfulness comes in. Even if a person approaches you in an agitated state of mind, you can reduce the influence of their mood on yours by staying focused on your own feelings. Here are a few things you can monitor to help you stay cool:

• Body language. When someone puts you on the defensive, your body will react as if there’s a threat. You may cross your arms, tighten your stance, and communicate your discomfort with your body language. While understandable, it won’t de-escalate the situation, and it will keep you feeling tense. Relax your shoulders, let your arms hang by your sides or put your hands on your hips. Keep your hands open and relaxed if possible. Your facial expression should be relaxed too. You’ll be surprised how infectious a more relaxed and open stance can be for someone in emotional distress.
• Speech. Moderate the tone and volume of your voice, and choose your words thoughtfully. It’s hard not to yell when someone is yelling at you. We traditionally interpret raising your voice as a sign of dominance, but it’s actually a display of insecurity, or a fear that no one is listening to you, or that you’re not being heard. 

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Interested: Convey that You are Actively Listening

Being interested is probably the last thing you want to do when you’re approached by someone in an agitated state. Yet, it’s surprisingly effective in letting the other person’s distress run its course. Active listening does not mean agreeing, and in fact you can vehemently disagree with someone while maintaining a sense (or at least a facade) of polite curiosity about their point of view.

• Signal your interest in what the other person has to say through your body language. Match your body language to the curiosity and openness of actively listening through relaxing your body and facial expressions. Maintain eye contact and incline your head towards them to show them you are interested.
• Ask open ended questions to allow the conversation to continue. You may want to defend yourself from an accusation or provide information that should make a regulated person calm down. Sadly, doing so can extend your confrontation more than you’d like. If someone has already approached you in confrontation, they may already be in the mood to fight. You can take that energy and redirect it by asking questions that require them to be more self reflective.
  
  For example, if they start saying things like “I can’t believe how grossly incompetent you all are, these numbers are pitiful,” you probably want to shoot back, “this quarter isn’t even over yet, you’re overreacting,” but this will likely just devolve into them saying you’re complacent, or that no one listens to them or understand them. Even though you know they’re being unreasonable, act as if there’s a possibility they are. “Did something change recently? I thought we were doing well.” “Can you tell me what you were looking for by now? What is our goal?” “We are all here to do our best and work as a team - what can we do to make things better?” By treating this high tension conversation like a normal conversation, you can subtly steer someone in crisis to a more calm and productive mode of communicating.
• Paraphrasing what they’re saying periodically to confirm your understanding. For example, if they say “I can’t believe you used first names instead of last names in those emails - our entire campaign is ruined!” you can say, “I see, so you’re concerned that people receiving those emails will feel they’re too informal.” Once they hear you paraphrasing their concern in a more right-sized manner, they may start to de-escalate. Even if the stated source of their distress is you or a failing of yours, feeling that you are listening to them and understanding what they’re saying is validating for them, which is an important part of the next step.

Validate: Respond with Empathy for the Other Person’s Thoughts, Feelings, and Experiences.

Validating doesn’t mean agreeing completely with someone; it means treating another person as an equal, and signaling to them that you are invested in solving the problem at hand. It also means not minimizing a person’s feelings or past experiences. Acknowledge what it is they are trying to communicate and try to find the common ground between you. 

If a colleague is angry with you because they (unfairly) blame you for holding back their project, identify the emotions you can see beneath the anger. “I know that this project is really important to you and that you want it to reflect well on you. I understand you want it done by X time and it isn’t finished yet. I hate missing deadlines, this must be really frustrating.” Even if they are making no such effort for you, you are making an effort to understand and empathize with them.

Sometimes, what the other person is saying is particularly disagreeable, and while you don’t want to validate it, you also want to avoid an argument. Here are a few phrases that can help:

• That’s interesting, tell me more.
• There are definitely people who agree with you.
• I see/hear what you’re saying. I understand what you mean.
• That reminds me of [something tangentially related but not close to your actual topic].
• That’s a unique perspective, I hadn’t thought of it that way.
• I understand where you’re coming from, the way I saw it was [brief statement on your perspective].

You can’t control what another person takes away from the conversation. However, sticking with neutral declarative statements can affirm your understanding without agreement. Assert your needs clearly, briefly, and respectfully. You may not be fully understood if they are not receptive, but they will receive your kind, thoughtful, and respectful approach to the conversation.

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Easy: Smile and Be Light-Hearted

As your interaction concludes, take the opportunity to clear the air with as much levity as is appropriate. If your heart is still racing, take a deep breath and keep calming yourself down. Smile as much as feels comfortable. This conveys to the other person that you’re not holding this against them, and that they can communicate with you safely. You understand them without them having to yell, you listen and ask questions to figure out the best solutions to problems, and you are open and collegial. This might feel like you’re validating the bad behavior, but you’re actually modeling appropriate behavior. Through this, you are implying that: “This is work, we do it every day, we can disagree without this huge meltdown.” Not everyone will respond to this approach, and if someone insists on being consistently verbally combative, or even abusive, you can take it to HR. However, you may be surprised by how many emotional outbursts you can de-escalate or avoid by taking this Gentle, Interested, Validating, and Easy approach.

If all else fails, it’s time to exit the conversation in an EASY and friendly manner.

• You’re giving me a lot to think about. I need some time to process what you’re telling me. Can I get back to you?
• This is a complex issue and I don’t think we can resolve it right now. Let’s both sleep on it and talk again soon.
• I like the ideas you shared. Would you send them to me in an email?
• I’m sorry to interrupt, can I confirm my understanding of what you’re telling me before we run out of time? [Summarize takeaways.] I have a lot to get working on, so let me give you your time back and get to it!

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Practicing GIVE Through Email and Work Chats

Since so many of us interact with colleagues virtually now, it’s good to think about GIVE in the context of digital communications. When you receive an activating work email, respond Gently instead of combatively, stay Interested and ask open-ended questions to unpack accusations and complaints, Validate the aspects of the message that you agree with, or that you would agree with if it was a normal message, and sign off with a cheerful and Easy manner. Before you respond to a mean email or message, it is helpful to regulate by getting up from your desk and walking around for a bit. The response you come up with in 5 minutes will always be more thoughtful and compassionate than the response that came to you in the heat of the moment.

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Conclusion

Overall, the tools in this article are focused on finding benevolent explanations for confusing and chaotic behavior. In our personal lives we likely have more room to avoid people who drive us crazy, or at least the ability to express ourselves clearly. At work, you can certainly exert influence over your colleagues, but it takes a lot of bandwidth. We communicate best with people who think we care about them because they trust us. Trust yourself to convey respect, openness and stability when communicating with difficult people at work, and they may very well start to mirror you. Or at least, they will start to leave you alone once they realize you’re not going to rise to the bait.

If you struggle to navigate work or personal relationships without dissolving into anxiety or flying off the handle, a therapist can help you apply tools from DBT and other therapeutic practices to find an emotional regulation system that works for you and improves your interactions and relationships.

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