Every year, the date that your loved one died comes around. Everyone has different experiences of death anniversaries. It can vary based on the year or your relationship with the person you lost. However these dates feel for you, it can be helpful to understand your relationship to them and learn how to navigate them with care. 

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Why do death anniversaries feel so heavy?

The anniversary of a death can be a reminder that you lost something or someone important to you. You may experience thoughts of the person you lost, memories related to the time period of their passing, or perhaps even a physical reaction in your body before realizing why you are feeling different. You may notice feeling more tired than usual or that you have more tension in your body around death anniversaries. 

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Milestone anniversaries

Certain dates might feel different than others. For many people, the one-year, five-year, or ten-year anniversary of the day your loved one died can feel especially significant. 

The first year anniversary of your loved one’s passing may have you reflecting on the fact that they have been gone for an entire year and remind you that there are many years to come in which you will grieve the loss of that person. As more anniversaries pass, you may experience deep reflection on the life events that you have experienced without the person that you lost. As your life changes, big life events like graduations, weddings, having a new child or starting a new job can make their absence feel more noticeable and mark the time that has passed. 

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When the relationship feels complicated 

Death anniversaries when you lost someone you had a difficult relationship with may feel different than those of someone you had a close relationship with. Grief can often be more than missing the person, but also missing the relationship you wish you had with them or grieving the possibility of repairing things with them. 

It is normal to experience a variety of emotions at once, especially when you are going through a complicated loss. You may miss someone while also feeling anger, confusion, frustration, or even relief. 

You may also experience grief around death anniversaries for someone that you never met personally. For example, a parent or grandparent who died before you were born or when you were too young to remember them. You can experience grief for the experiences you never got to have with them and for the life they didn’t get to live. 

Complicated grief can be challenging for many reasons but it can feel especially heavy around death anniversaries as you reflect on the variety of emotions and thoughts you are experiencing related to the loss of someone in your life. 

If you aren’t sure when your loved one died

There may be circumstances that result in you not having an exact death anniversary for your loved one. This can lead to prolonged sadness for the weeks surrounding their death since you do not know exactly when you lost them. If this is the case for you, you may need to anticipate needing extra time to process the loss during the time period of their death. 

You may also find it helpful to choose a day to celebrate their life or process their absence. This can help you have time to acknowledge the loss while intentionally making space for your feelings. 

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How to know what you need

It can feel like a mystery to figure out what you need around the time of death anniversaries and that can change from day to day or year to year. Some years may pass without you even remembering what the date is and other years may be more intense as grief presents more strongly. Here are some simple questions you can ask yourself as the anniversary of the loss approaches for you: 

• Do I want to be alone or around other people?
• Do I want to talk about the person or would I rather have a distraction?
• Would it feel meaningful to visit somewhere connected to them?
• Would I like to look through photographs or listen to music they enjoyed?
• Do I want to create a new tradition around this date?
• What can I do to make the day feel a little gentler?

It can also be helpful to communicate your needs to the people around you. You may want to let a friend, family member, or partner know that the anniversary is approaching and explain how they can best support you. This might mean asking someone to spend time with you, giving you space, or simply checking in.

By bringing awareness to your needs, you can help yourself move through the weeks and days around the death anniversary in whichever way best supports your mental and emotional health. Planning ahead can be helpful. If you know that the anniversary is coming up soon and that it will be a hard day for you, consider giving yourself extra time and space to process that day. 

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Conclusion

Death anniversaries are hard for a number of reasons and everyone’s experience is different. There is no right or wrong way to spend a death anniversary and there is no timeline for how you should feel. Each year may feel different and you may find that your needs change as time goes on. Giving yourself permission to acknowledge your emotions around the loss can help you navigate these difficult moments with care and compassion. 

You do not have to set aside an entire day to grieve or feel sad (unless you need to) and feeling joy does not mean that you have forgotten the person that you have lost. There is enough room for grief, love, sadness and joy without sacrificing one for the other. However you decide to spend your time during a death anniversary, remember that you deserve to have your needs met and feel supported no matter what you are feeling or what your circumstances are around the loss.