On a night when the world was watching, Ilia Malinin stepped onto the ice in Milan for an individual free skate routine. Carrying the weight of tremendous expectation, commentators and fans of figure skating alike saw this as his moment to transcend from Gold Medal Olympian to icon. Known as the “Quad God” for his ability to push the technical boundaries of the sport and land a quadruple axel, Malinin represents a kind of disciplined ambition that many admire. In the time leading up to his event, many of us watched and heard countless stories of all the work he had done to prepare over the last four years. Despite all the training Ilia and many Olympians like him take to prepare for the games, nothing is guaranteed. A blade can slip under the skater, a landing can fall awkwardly, or even despite their work, a score can come in lower than hoped.

As spectators, there is something really powerful about watching even the most prepared athlete navigate an imperfect moment in real time. There is no ability to pause or rewind, just the next moment. As a therapist, I have witnessed clients navigate similar tensions in their lives. Many people arrive having “checked the boxes”. They studied for the test, trained for their event, or showed up for the interview, but still, something falls short. Once the dust has settled, the question becomes, what now? This is where the idea of radical acceptance takes center stage.

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Acceptance Is Not Approval

Radical acceptance at its core means fully acknowledging reality as it is, particularly when reality is painful, rather than fighting against it. This is what can make radical acceptance something so challenging and something people work continuously to incorporate into their lives.

Marsha Linehan introduced the concept of radical acceptance as part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Linehan and others describe this skill as emphasizing what it isn’t asking you to do. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean we approve of what happened or pretend everything is okay when it isn’t. It doesn’t require us to give up on our goals, ambitions, or what’s important to us. Instead, it’s an intentional decision to stop arguing with what has already happened. One way to frame this is by remembering that challenges and setbacks are going to happen in our lives. However, the pain we experience in that initial moment will only linger and increase if we try to resist reality. When we replay the moment in our mind continuously on a loop, trying to rewrite what happened or insist how it “shouldn’t have happened in the first place,” we’re adding to our distress. Disappointment is going to happen in our lives at one point or another, no matter how much we prepare. Setbacks are part of what makes us human and help us continue to grow into the best version of ourselves as they become learning moments. Despite the pain these experiences can bring, we all have an active choice in how much energy we give to that ongoing internal battle.

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The Subtle Cost of Resistance

We are allowed to feel sad, angry, or disappointed when things don’t work out the way we had hoped. It’s important, however, to distinguish between allowing ourselves to feel our initial emotional response and how we let these feelings dictate our lives or how we might view ourselves. During times of challenge and distress, our brain will attempt to regain control by analyzing, judging, or even catastrophizing the event. A missed opportunity can quickly become “proof” of some inadequacy we may see in ourselves. A difficult conversation can suddenly morph into our brains' evidence of some sort of failure. The purpose of radical acceptance is to disrupt this cycle, not to remove emotion, but to remove that added layer of friction. When we stop fighting reality, we create more room and energy for a thoughtful response and new possibilities.

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Self-Compassion After the Fall

Radical acceptance is more than just a way of thinking, but something that also requires action on our part. On its own, the idea of acceptance can sound a little stale if we don’t also pair it with kindness. During moments of challenge, it is important that we give ourselves the same care and love we would extend to others when they experience setbacks. Research on self-compassion consistently shows that responding to ourselves with warmth during difficult moments improves emotional regulation and resilience. Oftentimes, many of us can default to self-criticism when something doesn’t go the way we wanted it to. We may tell ourselves that we should be stronger, smarter, and should now be less affected by the outcome. However, it’s that harsh inner dialogue that can actually increase distress and thus narrow our ability to bounce back and recover.

Self-compassion isn’t about lowering our standards, but about steadying our nervous system. With self-compassion, we can disrupt the cycle of our inner dialogue taking over. Over time and with practice, self-compassion can lead to sustained change, especially if we reject painful messaging we have repeatedly told ourselves or even have been told about us that we received from others. Self-compassion in action can sound like, “I can acknowledge this moment is painful without attacking myself”. Self-compassion can also be reminding ourselves about those we love and what we might say to them during a challenging time. Take a moment to step back and think about the harsh story you are telling yourself.  If we wouldn’t tell someone we loved like a best friend, spouse, or parent this message, why do we think it’s okay to say it to ourselves?

Throughout the Olympics, we had the opportunity to witness athletes practice self-compassion on countless occasions. When Olympians finish their event, whether they medaled or not, they still bow to the crowd. Returning to Milan and the night Ilia Malinin came up short, he turned to the athlete he competed against and embraced them in a congratulatory hug. After every event, so many of the athletes remained in the present despite the pain and anguish they may have also felt. That very act of remaining present is a form of acceptance. They made an active choice to begin letting go of the outcome they desired and embraced the reality of their circumstances. Self-compassion allows us to remain present with ourselves in much the same way.

Psychological Flexibility

An athlete who falls early in a program does not have the option of restarting their event. In the case of Ilia Malinin, he made multiple attempts to complete technical moves that many thought only he could accomplish. Still, Ilia fell early into his program and had no choice but to continue skating despite knowing his chances of reaching the podium may be gone. Similarly, when we accept what has happened in our own lives after a setback, we can begin to create space to ask what matters to me now? This change in thinking represents something also important as part of radical acceptance, psychological flexibility.

Developer of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Steven C. Hayes, describes psychological flexibility as the ability to experience difficult thoughts and feelings without being controlled by them. Rather than waiting to feel certain before acting, psychological flexibility allows us to move toward our values even when discomfort is present. Acceptance can provide us with clarity. Flexibility can offer us a new path and a sense of direction.

We can turn to the women’s individual figure skating competition for further examples of psychological flexibility. American figure skater Amber Glenn fell on the first night of her free skate, placing her in a position where it appeared all but impossible for her to medal. Glenn still took the ice on the second night and soared to heights that left fans and commentators alike speechless. Amber Glenn went from finishing 12^th on her first night to ending in fifth place in the end. Amber’s resilience placed her in a position where she was even competing for an Olympic medal till the very end. Amber’s experience at the Olympics illustrates to us how her love and passion for her sport drove her to continue to compete despite knowing the goal she originally sought may be gone. Her psychological flexibility offered her a path to compete not for a medal, but for love of her sport and herself.

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Practicing Radical Acceptance in Daily Life

Radical acceptance is a skill that, like anything, requires practice and can only strengthen with repetition. One place to begin this practice is by learning to separate facts from interpretation. Let’s take the following examples and see if we can identify a difference. One statement is, “the outcome wasn’t what I hoped, and I’m feeling really disappointed.” Notice how this statement relies on the facts of the present. We acknowledge the reality of the moment and the emotions we’re experiencing in the present. This statement also leaves room for new possibilities. An alternative statement is, “I’m a failure”. Notice the weight this statement carries and how it makes an interpretation not just about us, but about our future. There is a sense of finality to this statement, leaving no room for other possibilities. We not only limit our options in the present, but also make an assumption that there is no room for success in the future by making this kind of interpretation.

Another way we can start practicing radical acceptance in our daily lives is to notice where resistance is showing up. Phrases like “This shouldn’t be happening” often signal were are struggling with acknowledging the reality of the present moment. Instead, we can try replacing this resistance with, “I wish this were different, and it isn’t”. This change can be enough to soften the edge of accepting our disappointment with an outcome while not adding to our distress.

Additional tools to help with acceptance are the use of grounding practices. Strategies such as slowing our breath, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation support our nervous systems in staying regulated. Acceptance becomes more accessible to us when we are not overwhelmed. This requires us to check in not just mentally, but physically as well.

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A Different Measure of Strength

Olympic culture often highlights the heights of humanity and accomplishment through medals or rankings. Yet some of the most meaningful moments occur in moments of imperfection when an athlete rises and continues with composure. During moments when we put so much stock into our achievements, it can be tempting to measure our worth by outcomes. But resilience is not the absence of falling short, rather it is the ability to remain steady afterward. Radical acceptance invites that steadiness and reduces unnecessary suffering, allowing us to respond rather than react. When paired with self-compassion and psychological flexibility, it creates space for growth grounded in reality rather than shame.

If you find yourself caught between striving and self-criticism, therapy can be a space to explore what acceptance might look like in your own life. With acceptance as a foundation, we can move through our lives with more clarity, intentionality, and care.

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Resources: 

• Very Well Mind: How to Practice Radical Acceptance 
• PsychologyToday: How to Practice Radical Acceptance  
• The Power of Self-Compassion 
• Psychological flexibility: How love turns pain into purpose | Steven Hayes