Though perfectionism is widely valued, it’s important to ask: when does it become a detrimental force rather than a positive one? Perfectionism often is rooted in a fear of failure rather than a strive for success. Many times people develop perfectionist tendencies as a coping skill in response to shame that stems from childhood trauma. In this article we will dive more into the link between the two, how perfectionism may impact your life, and ways to overcome it and find more balance. 

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The Link between Trauma and Perfectionism

As mentioned, perfectionism is often a coping mechanism used by individuals who have experienced childhood trauma  in order to gain a sense of control and security in their lives. Some examples of childhood trauma may include physical or sexual abuse, emotional and physical neglect, parentification, witnessing domestic violence, exposure to violence in the community, parental separation or divorce, experiencing natural disasters and more. Studies over the years have found positive associations with those who have experienced childhood trauma and levels of perfectionism (Oeffinger, 2023). Many times perfectionism stems from shame, fear of abandonment, or feelings of inadequacy. This may allow individuals to use perfectionism as a way to combat their perceived flaws and constantly seek external validation. People who struggle with perfectionism may experience higher levels of stress, especially when it comes to situations that are out of their control. Ultimately, perfectionism creates a loop of anxiety and self criticism as it reinforces the shame of never being good enough and prevents an individual from finding authentic self acceptance. 

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How Perfectionism May Show Up in Your Life

Perfectionism can show up in many aspects of an individual’s life including at work, at school, in relationships, and during their healing journey. A few ways perfectionism may show up is through the seeking of constant validation, fear of failure, or the need for control. According to Dr. Marnie Roger-de Jong, perfectionism can be categorized into three different areas:

• Self-oriented perfectionism
  
  • The individual has a strong sense of internal motivation and sets high standards for themselves. These people tend to be very hard on themselves and often view themselves as failing to meet expectations.
• Socially prescribed perfectionism
  
  • The individual believes that other people set high standards for them. They work hard to get approval from others, fearing they’ll be judged or rejected if they don’t meet expectations. These people are motivated to avoid disappointing others.
• Other-oriented perfectionism
  
  • The individual sets high expectations for others. They often evaluate and pick apart those around them. They may blame other people for any problems that happen in their relationships.

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Some ways perfectionism may show up in terms of your everyday behaviors may include:

1. Feeling Like You Have to Prove Yourself: Constantly seeking approval from others can be exhausting. 
2. Holding yourself or others to unrealistically high standards, whether it’s about how someone should behave, look, or respond.
3. Avoiding conflict altogether because you want the relationship to appear perfect or harmonious.
4. Over-editing your words before speaking or texting, out of fear of saying the “wrong” thing.
5. Not Taking Breaks: You might skip lunch or work through breaks to get more done. You believe if you stop, you will be seen as lazy. This can lead to burnout and stress because the body and mind need regular rest to function well. 
6. Not Using PTO: You might avoid taking vacations or sick days, fearing you will fall behind or be seen as less dedicated at work. 
7. Struggling to delegate or let go in shared responsibilities (e.g., “If I don’t do it, it won’t be done right”).
8. Constantly worrying if you're doing enough or being enough in the relationship.
9. Checking Work Email Immediately After Waking Up: This may make it difficult to find a balance between work and personal life. 

The cycle of perfectionism can lead to:

• Burnout: Continuously pushing yourself without proper rest can lead to both physical and emotional burnout, making it difficult to stay productive at work or fully enjoy your personal life.
• Stress and Anxiety: The pressure to always excel can increase stress, affecting overall health and well-being.
• Guilt or shame: Feeling like you should always be doing more or doing better.
• Strained Relationships: Poor boundaries can lead to suffering within relationships.
• Decreased Productivity: Ironically, working too much can actually reduce your productivity. When you're worn out and stressed, your ability to perform well on the job declines.
• Sleep problems: Racing thoughts or trouble winding down.
• Temporary relief: Once the task is complete, you may feel a brief sense of accomplishment—but it’s fleeting.
• Resentment: Experiencing frustration toward others who don’t "try as hard" or yourself for always overextending.
• Difficulty receiving help or support: Feeling like you have to handle everything yourself.
• Procrastination: Putting off tasks because they don’t feel “perfectly ready.”
• Missed deadlines: Spending too much time perfecting or overthinking.
• Imposter syndrome: Feeling like you're faking competence, no matter how qualified you are.

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Ways to Manage Perfectionism and Find Balance:

The good news is there are ways to overcome perfectionism and make steps toward balance. Studies have found that increased amounts of self compassion has helped those that struggle with perfectionism (Oeffinger, 2023). Self awareness is important to overcoming perfectionism as it will allow for individuals to notice when these tendencies or urges appear, but once we gain and practice the skills of finding balance, we can interrupt and stop the cycle of perfectionism. Some ways to help when struggling with perfectionism may include:

• Remember  that overcoming perfectionism isn’t about being perfect at it: You’re not failing if you slip up—it’s not all or nothing.
• Practice Mindfulness: This can prevent thoughts of stress and anxiety from dominating your brain space.
• Pay attention to how perfectionism shows up in your life, and meet those moments with self-compassion rather than criticism.
• Notice where you might be setting unrealistic expectations— for yourself or for others—and consider whether those standards are truly fair or helpful.
• Keep in mind that letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean giving up on excellence. You can still care about doing well without the pressure to be flawless.
• Reflect on whether there are areas in your life where doing less might actually bring more balance, joy, or well-being.
• Be aware of black-and-white thinking— when things feel either totally good or completely bad. Watch for thoughts like:
  
  • “I’m a bad parent.”
  • “I’ve failed completely.”
  • “No one likes me.”
  • Any time you catch yourself seeing only extremes, try to find the gray area—the fuller picture.
• Take Regular Breaks: Schedule regular breaks during your day. Even a short walk or a few minutes of relaxation can help recharge your energy and improve focus.
• Use Your PTO: Plan your vacations and take your paid time off. Rest and relaxation are crucial for maintaining long-term productivity and health.
• Set Limits on Work Hours: Establish a clear end to your workday. Avoid working late into the night or during weekends. Protect your personal time.
• Communicate Boundaries: Let your friends, family, partner, and coworkers know about your boundaries. Clear communication can help others respect your limits.
• Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. Recognizing your efforts can boost self-esteem and reduce the need for constant external validation.
• Seek Professional Support: Professional support can help you understand the root of your behavior and develop healthier coping skills. You can find support through a therapist, talking to your primary care physician, or any other mental health professionals. 

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Conclusion

In conclusion, perfectionism may seem like a strength on the surface, but when it’s rooted in fear, shame, or past trauma, it can quietly chip away at your well-being. While it often begins as a way to feel safe or in control, it can lead to burnout, strained relationships, and a life spent chasing unrealistic ideals. The good news is that perfectionism isn’t a life sentence—it’s a pattern that can be understood, softened, and eventually unlearned. By creating self-awareness, practicing self-compassion, and setting healthier boundaries, you can begin to replace perfection with progress and control with connection. Healing from perfectionism is not about lowering your standards—it’s about freeing yourself from the pressure to prove your worth and learning to embrace who you are, exactly as you are.

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Resources: 

• What is Perfectionism? 
• How to Overcome Perfectionism: 15 Worksheets & Resources
• Perfectionist Beliefs ‘Flexibility’ Self-Assessment 
• Identifying Perfectionist Triggers
• Goal Setting to Manage Perfectionism 
• Reevaluating Your Perfectionist Standards 
• Stress Decision Framework 

References:

• Perfectionism: A Common Result of Childhood Trauma
• Exploring Self-Compassion Among Adults With Childhood Trauma and Perfectionism
• Five Styles of Perfectionism and One Big Debate
• How Childhood Trauma Leads to Perfectionism and Poor Work Boundaries in Adulthood‍
• Recognizing the Hidden Signs of Struggling with Perfectionism