Picture This:

It’s a Monday morning - the start of a brand new week. You’ve woken up ready to face the day - feeling refreshed after having treated yourself to “Self-care Sunday” a mere 12-hours before.

You had planned all week for the Sunday ritual - scheduled the spa appointment(s), told family and friends you were taking some “me time”, and made sure you’d have the bathroom allll to yourself for at least an hour. You drank lots of water, and went to bed early.

Monday morning?? Bring. It. On.

A few hours later, you’re at work and begin to notice the familiar signs of anxiety creep into your body. Your jaw becomes clenched, heart beats noticeably in your chest, and shoulders and neck feel tighter by the minute. Your brow is furrowed and your mind is chasing one negative thought with the other.

You pause to recognize the place you’ve found yourself in. “What the hell?”, you ask yourself. “How am I already this tense, THIS early in the week? What about all that self-care I did yesterday?!”

Sound familiar? 

Maybe it’s time to try a new approach to self-care…

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Rethinking Self-Care

First, let me say that creating relaxing, indulgent wellness rituals for ourselves is ABSOLUTELY a wonderful thing. Let me also say, fulfilling and effective self-care REQUIRES more than that.

Among the “Live, Laugh, Love” world of the internet and the image-obsessed pages of Instagram, self-care is positioned as something acquired through spa treatments, neutral-toned sweaters, eight-dollar coffees, and moments of solitude on a beach vacation. It is sold as an image - as a thing to be achieved through THINGS. And, while things can certainly feel good - there is a reason they may not be bringing us the self-care we need.

What if the rituals we rely on for self-care don’t really provide much care for the self at all?

What, then, might it look like to begin to view self-care differently? What if we begin thinking of it as actual CARE for the self?

One definition of care is as follows: 

• the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.

An important part of this definition is the word necessary.

The reason that long bubble bath and cozy robe aren’t carrying you through your Monday morning meeting?? Probably because they’re not what becomes NECESSARY to the health, welfare, maintenance, or protection of your nervous system in THAT moment.

To care for ourselves properly, we must build the capacity to understand what we need (what is NECESSARY) in any given moment. This requires an intentionality and awareness that moves beyond planning a relaxing weekend or a session of pampering.

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Building a New Approach

To begin building your new approach to self-care, start with these steps:

1. Create a dynamic self-care menu. You want to give yourself self-care options that are adaptable and can fit a variety of challenges and situations. Set yourself up for self-care success by creating a list of items from which you can choose in a variety of moments. (Instructions for this below).
2. Keep the menu accessible. When we’re caught in a state of activation, it is neurologically more difficult to think creatively or generate new ideas. Make accessing your list as easy as possible on yourself: take a pic and save it to your phone; put a copy of your menu on the fridge; place it on or near your regular workstations. Update it as needed.
3. Practice tuning in. In order to better understand what the self needs in any given moment, you’ve got to be able to connect with the self in any given moment. To do this, start asking yourself some basic questions throughout the day. Here is a list of 7 I really like:
   
   1. What sensations am I noticing in my body?
   2. What is my current energy level? (Low? Medium? High?)
   3. Do I like how this energy level feels?
   4. If not, where would I like this energy to go?
   5. What does this energy need to get to where I’d like it to go?
   6. What can I do with the energy that IS available to me to get me there?
   7. What are my current thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations?

As with any practice, the more you do it, the more you build it. Create little reminders for yourself in various locations and at various times to help you begin. Simply asking yourself these questions will begin training your brain to more readily notice the state you find yourself in.

4. Select an effective self-care action. Based on your dynamic menu, and the answers to your tuning in questions, choose something from your self-care menu that might provide your nervous system with what it means.
5. Check in after. Once you’ve completed your self-care action, tune in once more. Do you feel more regulated? Does your nervous system feel more comfortable? Did this action bring you to a place you’d like to be? Did it give you what you NEEDED?

In therapy, many of the questions we ask clients boil down to a version of “how is that working for you?”. When it comes to self-care, begin by asking yourself this same question - how is your self-care practice working for YOU?

If it’s not, maybe it’s time to think about trying something new.

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Sample Dynamic Self-Care Menu

To create a dynamic menu, draw a vertical line in the center of a page, with arrows on either end. Label one side of the line “self-regulating”, and the other “co-regulating”. Near the top arrow, write the word “active” and, near the bottom arrow, write the word “passive”. Fill your menu with self-care items that can be done alone (self-regulating) and with items that can be done involving others (co-regulating). Place those items that require less effort/energy (passive) near the bottom of the menu, and items that require more effort/energy (active) near the top of the menu. (See our sample below for some ideas.)

REMEMBER to keep copies of your menu accessible so that you can reference it as you begin building your new practice.