Can you imagine having to manage your child’s school schedule, help with homework, prepare meals, while also needing to make medical appointments for older parents, manage their medication, and handle all of the finances? Many people in the “sandwich generation” find themselves in this position where they are raising children and caring for aging parents all in the same home. Being in this position, you are carrying an immensely heavy responsibility that often feels exhausting and unsustainable. 

When you find yourself in this role it comes with a mix of emotions where you are overwhelmed with stress, guilt, and exhaustion. Although this can feel like a personal failure, let this article help you understand that you are in an impossible situation stretched between love and obligation while struggling to maintain patience due to burnout. This is a trying time for many but especially for the sandwich generation as family structures shift and care responsibilities rise.

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What Exactly is the “Sandwich Generation”

The term “sandwich generation” is used to describe adults ages 30-50 who are “sandwiched” between caring for two generations like their children and an older parent. Multigenerational households have also started to increase as the sandwich generation takes on more and more responsibilities. According to a report on the sandwich generation by the Pew Research Center in 2013 “Some 15% of adults age 40 to 59 are providing financial support to a parent age 65 or older as well as either raising a minor.” And hispanic adults are more than twice as likely to be in this situation. Additionally, a report by Generations United in 2023 found that multigenerational living has quadrupled in the past decade where 1 in 4 Americans report living in a household with 3 or more generations. Although living in a multigenerational household can have its benefits for those in the sandwich generation it can come with pressures that often go unseen. 

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What Makes It So Hard?

1. You’re Constantly Switching Roles 

In this position you hold so many different roles. Constantly switching from being a parent, child, and caregiver can leave your nervous system overworked and you find yourself always on alert or feeling on edge. Chronic stress is linked to multiple different health issues and higher rates of anxiety and burnout.

2. Unseen and High Level of Emotional Labor

Having multiple different roles most of the time means a long to-do list and having to manage many different tasks. Navigating family dynamics, keeping the peace, and anticipating needs is emotionally exhausting and those around you might not even see how many responsibilities you are taking on. Taking on this amount of responsibility unfortunately leads to sacrificing your own needs which makes the emotional toll even heavier. 

3. Resenting Your Loved Ones

A difficult reality for many people to accept and understand is that caregiving can bring up resentment. You might start to feel resentment towards your parents, your kids, your spouse, and other family members who seem to not be helping enough. If you find yourself feeling: 

• Angry towards siblings who aren’t helping with your parents
• Frustrated with your parent for refusing help and making your job harder or being overly critical
• Resentful that you kid needs you at a time where you have too much on your plate already
• Jealous or annoyed of friends who don’t have your same struggles. 

On top of all of those complicated and heavy emotions you might even start to feel guilty for having any of those thoughts and feelings in the first place. In these moments it’s important to remember that resentment is a signal and not something to be ashamed of. Resentment is something that comes up when we are constantly giving beyond what we have the capacity for and or boundaries are being crossed or not expressed. Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace says”resentment is what happens when we haven’t expressed our boundaries or when others have consistently ignored them.” A helpful tip is to try reframing and recognizing that those feelings are natural because you are a human in an unsustainable situation and they don’t make you a bad person, parent, child or caregiver. Talking openly about what you are experiencing to those in your support system can help provide release and help to clarify what needs to change. 

4. Financial Strain

Caring for kids and parents simultaneously is expensive. The average annual cost of raising a child is rising and is now estimated at 17,000. Adding mortgage or rent, other bills, feeding everyone, transportation, and medical expenses is a large financial burden. 

5. No Time for You

Multigenerational caregivers have so much on their plate that it’s hard to find time for self care, friends, hobbies, exercise or even just getting a good night's rest. This puts these individuals at risk for stress related health issues like hypertension, sleep disorders and depression. It also leaves you more likely to struggle with burnout or feelings of resentment and frustration.

6. Cultural Expectations and Guilt

In many cultures, including latino cultures and communities who are disproportionately affected by this phenomenon, caring for elders is considered a duty not a choice. Being able to care for your older parents can be rewarding and a source of pride but it can also add pressure to suppress the struggles and burnout instead of acknowledging them. Growing up with the idea that “ you just do what your family needs”, can leave you feeling selfish and ashamed for requiring help or needing to set boundaries. Something to consider is that acknowledging and honoring your limits does not have to mean your dishonoring your culture.

Emotional Toll 

I hear clients describe feeling guilty for feeling like they aren’t doing enough for their kids and parents and for needing time to themselves along with resentment for feeling like they are the only one carrying the load. These feelings are universal and normal among the “sandwich generation” but many still feel alone and isolated.

What can Help?

Understanding why it's hard is the first step toward easing the load. Here are some small changes to put in practice that can make a huge difference: 

• Name the reality - say it outloud “ I am overwhelmed and under a lot of pressure from multiple people at once” Saying things out loud helps to validate your experience. 
• Normalize Asking for Help - Whether it’s family, friends, therapists or other providers it’s important to remember that leaning on others is not a sign of weakness it’s what your support system is meant for. 
• Set Small Boundaries - Even 20 minute breaks can help to reset your nervous system. Small ways to put yourself first are important reminders that you matter and help pour into yourself. 
• Address Resentment Early - This can be scary and it’s okay to start small. An example could be to let your sibling know how they can help, tell your partner how you're actually feeling, or ask your parent to accept help. You don’t have to carry these burdens on your own silently. Although saying what would really help doesn’t guarantee it will happen, it gives the opportunity for change to occur. 

Know That You Are Not Failing, You Are Just Carrying Too Much 

Like trying to carry all of your groceries in one trip, it’s heavy, it’s hard, and it’s frustrating. When you carry too much it’s normal and understandable for it to feel that way. If you find yourself feeling exhausted, short-tempered, or on the verge of tears you are not broken or failing. You are just operating under extreme emotional conditions, doing the job of multiple people, and trying your best to show up every day. You don’t need to love every moment of this season to be a good child, parent, or person. You just need support, space, and grace which starts with the grace you offer yourself. 

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Resources 

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace

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