Thinking About Going "No Contact" With A Family Member?

Many people have experienced having to make the decision to cut someone out of their life in order to choose themselves (whether it be a friend, significant other, toxic boss or acquaintance). However, when it comes to making that decision about a family member it  can become much more difficult. Family estrangement is a phenomenon that seems to be growing in recent times, especially with it becoming more normalized through social media sites like TikTok, Instagram and Youtube. A study in 2020 found that approximately 27% of Americans 18 and older report being estranged from a relative, with many experiencing rifts with immediate family members. For many this is an extremely difficult decision to make with little resources as there is not a lot of research on this topic yet. For this reason, it’s important to clarify what it means to go "no contact" and how to decide if it’s the right decision for you. 

‍

What does it mean to go "no contact"?

The truth is not everyone in our lives will support our journey of healing and personal growth, some might even play an active and significant role in keeping us stuck and hindering our ability to move forward. The concept of going "no contact" is not new, in fact Murray Bowen, a pioneer in family therapy, proposed something similar called emotional cutoff - a mechanism to manage unresolved emotional issues with family members by cutting off or reducing emotional contact with them. Reducing or eliminating contact with certain family members can mitigate emotional distress and prevent the perpetuation of dysfunctional patterns. This space allows for personal reflection and the development of healthier coping strategies.

Going "no contact" is a way to initiate an emotional cutoff with very firm internal boundaries as a self protective measure. It is when you cut off all contact from a relationship with someone typically due to the person’s behavior being toxic, abusive or overall significantly harmful to your mental health. This typically looks like severing ties with this person and not engaging with them in any way including phone calls, texts, social media or in-person. Some choose to go "no contact" with the entire immediate family while others choose to go "no contact" with a specific family member, like a parent while continuing contact with other family members such as siblings. 

‍

How to decide if this is the right decision for you

Deciding to estrange oneself from a family member is deeply personal and often fraught with emotional complexity. It's essential to assess the specific circumstances and potential benefits carefully. Consulting with mental health professionals can provide guidance and support during this process; ensuring that the decision aligns with one's well-being and long-term goals. For example, it’s important to consider if the person you are looking to sever ties with has consistently caused you mental, physical or emotional suffering with little to no support. You may also want to ask yourself and discuss with a therapist if there is any realistic benefit to nurturing the relationship with that person. 

Weighing the Pros and Cons 

Pros - While the decision to sever ties with a family member is seldom easy, it can lead to several positive outcomes:

1. Improved Mental Health: Removing oneself from a toxic or abusive family environment can alleviate stress, anxiety, and depression. By establishing boundaries, individuals can create a safer space for personal healing and growth. Leaving toxic and abusive relationships behind can help to end cycles of abuse and leave space for healing as you won’t be adding new trauma from those relationships. 
2. Personal Empowerment: Choosing estrangement can be an empowering act of self-preservation. It allows individuals to reclaim control over their lives and decisions, fostering a sense of autonomy and self-worth. Choosing to go "no contact" is putting your wellbeing and safety first and choosing to love yourself.
3. Formation of Healthier Relationships: Distancing from detrimental family ties can open the door to building supportive and nurturing relationships elsewhere. This shift enables individuals to surround themselves with people who respect and value them, contributing to a more positive social network. This is especially beneficial for those who have experienced trauma as healing from trauma requires communities and relationships that foster safety and reciprocity. 

‍

Cons - The decision to go "no contact" with a family member is not an easy road to go down and can have negative side-effects: 

1. Emotional and Psychological Effects - Individuals may experience feelings of grief, loss, shame, guilt, and anxiety. The absence of familial support can lead to diminished self-esteem and increased psychological distress. Research indicates that estrangement can be a traumatizing experience and affect one’s mental health significantly.
2. Social Implications - Estrangement can lead to social isolation, as family often constitutes a primary social network. The stigma associated with estrangement may cause individuals to withdraw from other relationships, further exacerbating loneliness.
3. Impact on Family Dynamics - The ripple effects of estrangement can disrupt extended family relationships creating divisions and tensions among relatives. Family events and gatherings may become sources of stress or conflict, affecting the broader family unit. 

‍

Final Considerations

When weighing the pros and cons it’s important to remember that going “"no contact"” is still considered taboo in a lot of communities which may be a reason why the cons seem a lot scarier and may seem to outweigh the benefits. However, it is noteworthy to mention that the idea is becoming less stigmatized and more common which may decrease the prevalence of the cons. Also, those who have experienced trauma at the hands of family members most likely already struggle with similar cons based on the abusive and toxic nature of the family dynamics. 

Going "no contact" is often a scary decision because of the cons and for most is likely a last resort, although it doesn’t have to be. It may be helpful to remember that going "no contact" does not have to be permanent. It can be a temporary boundary while you strengthen skills, gather tools, and build resilience to help increase your capacity to deal with your family dynamics. Most importantly, please keep in mind that going "no contact" can be a helpful and necessary step towards healing but it is not a cure. Family estrangement, while challenging, can be a vital step towards personal well-being and growth. Recognizing when familial relationships are causing more harm than good is crucial. By prioritizing mental health and establishing necessary boundaries, individuals can foster a more fulfilling and balanced life.

‍

Explore More on the Rise and Impact of Family Estrangement

• How Estrangement Has Become an Epidemic in America
• Here’s Why Kids Become Estranged From Their Parents
• ‘I never want you around your grandchild’: the families torn apart when adult children decide to go ‘no contact’

Other Resources For Going “No Contact”: 

• My Response to the NYT 
• Going No Contact? Here’s the Letter You Need to Write 
• Toxic Family Test 
• Patrick Teahan Therapy

‍