Losing a loved one at any age can be challenging, but losing a parent at a young age is a uniquely devastating experience that can leave people feeling isolated and alone. Although parental loss becomes more common with age, most people under forty have not experienced the death of a parent. Losing a parent early in life can bring unique challenges as someone navigates grief while learning to live life without the advice or support of their parent(s). 

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Why losing a parent young is different from other grief

1. Losing a sense of security

Many young people rely on their parents for support and advice as they are still figuring life out. Losing a parent early in life can mean facing major life changes and challenges without someone they may have turned to for guidance and reassurance in the past.

2. Isolation and loneliness 

Because many peers have not yet lost a parent, that lack of shared experience can be deeply impactful. Friends may want to offer support but not know what to say or how to respond because they have little personal experience with this kind of loss.

3. Finding the words for grief

It may be difficult for young people to know how to talk about the loss of their parent(s) because they are still learning how to navigate grief. With this kind of loss, it can be hard to put feelings into words and express the impact of the experience to others. 

4. Missing out on shared experiences

Losing a parent means losing the ability to make new memories, leaving the child who was left behind to navigate life without the opportunity to share future experiences with them. This can become increasingly difficult as they get older and more time passes since the loss. They may become more aware of the experiences they will never get to share with their parent(s), particularly as they move through different stages of life.

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Navigating milestones without a parent

While milestones can be difficult after losing a loved one, losing a parent at a young age means there may be many more life events to navigate without them, including weddings, graduations, career achievements, the birth of children, and other family celebrations. Those who lose a parent later in life may have already shared many of these experiences with them. For young people, the loss can mean missing out on having a parent present for significant moments that are still years away.

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Ordinary moments

Milestones can certainly feel more pronounced when someone has lost a parent. However, ordinary moments can sometimes serve as quiet reminders that the person is gone. For example, someone who often cooked with their parents may find that even chopping vegetables brings up memories of their loss. These experiences can be difficult to name, and it may be hard for others to understand why someone might start crying when, to them, things seem so ordinary. Small reminders like these can bring up feelings of grief unexpectedly, even when someone feels they have been managing their loss well.

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When the parent-child relationship was rocky

For those who were not close with their parents, grief can be complicated in different ways. They may experience conflicting emotions such as sadness and relief or anger and guilt. There may be words that were left unsaid if the relationship was estranged, leaving things feeling unresolved. Grief may also come up around the relationship they wished they had with their parent(s). Coming to terms with the loss of a distant parent can be especially challenging and may require more time and space to process complicated emotions. 

Finding support and connection

Although it can be difficult to find people who relate to the experience of parental loss when someone is younger, it is not impossible. The internet has affectionately dubbed people with this shared experience as the ‘Dead Dad’s Club’, ‘Dead Moms Club’ or more universally the ‘Dead Parents Club’. There are many people around the world who are a part of this community and it is possible to seek connection through online groups, social media communities, and grief support groups. Connecting with others who have a shared experience can help reduce isolation and offer a space to process emotions with people who understand. 

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Making space for grief

No matter where someone is in their grief timeline, making space for it can be challenging as the responsibilities of life continue on. Work, school, relationships, parenting and/or other obligations can make it difficult to slow down and allow space to process grief. Finding small ways to engage with feelings related to loss such as journaling, reflecting on memories, or talking with others about their parent(s) can be helpful ways to process experiences related to grief. Not everyday will look the same when it comes to holding space for grief, and it’s important to allow room for different emotions and needs as they arise. 

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When grief feels overwhelming

It isn’t possible to constantly be thinking about loss and processing grief. When feeling overwhelmed, it can be useful to consider taking a break to do something relaxing or fun. Many people experience feelings of guilt around disengaging from thinking about their parent(s). However, it is a form of self-care to allow space for joy, rest, and other experiences outside of grief. Taking a break does not mean one doesn’t care about their parent(s) or that they love them any less. Grief can be an emotionally exhausting experience and finding moments of relief can make room for a more sustainable relationship with grief over time. 

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Learning to live with the loss

Grief is something that does not go away with time, but rather people learn to live and move with it throughout life. This looks different for everyone, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a parent. Over time, grief might change its shape but certain memories, milestones, or everyday moments can still bring up feelings of loss. Losing a parent at a young age can be particularly painful and especially when there are still so many life experiences ahead that they will not be there to share. Although loss will always be a part of someone’s life story, it can be something that they learn to live with over time while still making room for joy, connection, and new experiences.

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Sources

• Ellis, J., Dowrick, C., & Lloyd-Williams, M. (2013, February). The long-term impact of early parental death: Lessons from a narrative study. Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine. 
• Peng, A., Lai, W., He, S., Li, W., Song, T., Ji, S., Zhao, X., & Chen, L. (2022, March 31). Association between early parental death and loneliness in adulthood: A community-based study in Southwest China. Frontiers in psychiatry.