In a culture that increasingly encourages us to “set boundaries” and “protect our peace,” it's easy to confuse growth avoidance with self-respect. Don’t get me wrong, boundaries are absolutely essential. But sometimes what we label as self-care is actually self-limiting. So how do you know when you’re wisely guarding your energy, and when you're dodging discomfort that could help you grow?

Let’s talk about how to recognize when it’s time to expand your capacity and when you might be disguising avoidance as healthy boundaries.

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What Does It Mean to Expand Your Capacity?

Expanding your capacity isn’t just about taking on more tasks or responsibilities. It’s about growing your emotional resilience, mental flexibility, and nervous system tolerance for discomfort, challenge, and uncertainty. Psychologist Dr. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, explains that avoiding discomfort keeps us stuck. “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life,” she writes. In other words, if we never challenge our limits, we never truly grow.

So now you might be wondering how you know when it’s time to expand?

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Signs It Might Be Time to Grow

1. You're Stuck in a Pattern That Feels Too Familiar
   If your life feels predictable or you are feeling stuck in a familiar pattern, it could be a sign that you're resisting the kind of tension that leads to change. Growth requires stepping into the unknown, which is often accompanied by discomfort. 
2. You're Saying “No” to Everything That Feels Hard
   Boundaries are about protecting your values, not avoiding every challenge. If you find yourself saying no out of fear or overwhelm rather than alignment, it may be time to assess if your boundaries are actually walls and acting as barriers. 
3. You Avoid Emotional or Relational Risk
   If you find yourself dodging tough conversations, avoiding vulnerability, or keeping people at a distance because it feels like too much. These might be signs that your emotional bandwidth is constrained, not permanently, but in a way that could benefit from intentional expansion.
4. You Feel Bored, Not Rested
   True rest renews you. Chronic boredom, however, is often a sign you’ve outgrown your current emotional or cognitive environment. Your mind and heart might be craving and needing deeper engagement even if that means more discomfort.

Boundaries vs. Avoidance: Key Differences

• Healthy Boundaries Are Based on Clarity, Not Fear
  
  • A boundary says, “This doesn’t work for me.” Avoidance says, “I’m scared I can’t handle this.”
• Boundaries Create Freedom While Avoidance Creates Stagnation
  
  • When you set clear boundaries, you free up energy for what matters. When you avoid, you stay small and often feel more anxious, not less.
• Boundaries Are Proactive While Avoidance Is Reactive
  
  • Boundaries are chosen intentionally. Avoidance is often a knee jerk reaction to discomfort. Dr. Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, points out that “we can’t selectively numb emotions.” When we avoid discomfort, we also numb our capacity for joy, creativity, and connection.

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How to Begin Expanding Your Capacity

1. Start with Small Tolerances
   Don’t dive into the deep end of emotional exposure all at once. It’s okay to expand gradually. You can start by challenging yourself to have a slightly uncomfortable conversation or sit with a difficult feeling a little longer than you did yesterday.
2. Build Emotional Regulation Skills
   Practices like mindfulness, breathwork, and somatic therapy help stretch your nervous system’s window of tolerance.
3. Reframe Discomfort as Data
   Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this feeling?” try asking, “What is this feeling telling me?” Discomfort often signals growth, not danger.
4. Surround Yourself With Support, Not Echo Chambers
   Choose friends, therapists, or coaches who help you stretch, not just validate your fears. Support doesn't mean co-signing avoidance. It means holding space while encouraging growth.
   
   

Bottom Line: Check Your Motivation

Ask yourself: Are you setting a boundary to honor your values and energy or to stay safe and small? Are you avoiding something hard because it’s genuinely misaligned, or because it’s unfamiliar and scary?

Setting boundaries are important when maintaining emotional wellbeing and maintaining healthy relationships by communicating your needs and setting limits. It’s easy in times of high stress and crisis to confuse setting boundaries with protecting yourself from discomfort. It’s important to remember that growth and discomfort often come hand in hand. The key is knowing when that discomfort is a signal to pause and when it’s an invitation to expand. 

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Further Reading and Sources:

• David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life.
• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly.
• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are.‍
• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.