Hi, I’m Allison and I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist. Every week I talk to all different dynamics of relationships. It’s a pretty cool job! Welcome to Ask Allison, a series where I am answering your relationship questions. People on their own are complex – and then we combine all of those complexities into relationships. Tricky moments are going to happen, so let’s talk about it! To submit questions, please use the Ask Allison submission form. Identifying information has been changed to ensure confidentiality.

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Jake: My wife and I have been together for 12 years. We used to have a lot of sex when we first started dating but now it's so much less. Is that normal?

For people who want to be having sex, it's a very important part of relationships. Sex creates connection, pleasure, and trust. It can be fun and silly or passionate and serious. It’s the beginning of the next generation. It serves a lot of purposes throughout our lives. A common ‘problem’ talked about in my therapy room is how sex changes throughout long term relationships.

Generally, we see a decline in the frequency of sex as the relationship and partners age. This doesn’t have to be true for every relationship, but it’s common. As with most things it can also vary throughout our lifetime. There might be periods of time where you’re having very little sex. Six months later you might be having even more than you did in the beginning of your relationship. All of it is normal. There is no ‘right’ amount of sex to be having no matter what your friends, neighbors, or the quiz from your favorite magazine says. The ‘right’ amount of sex changes based on the person and context of life going on around them.

This article is not here to ‘fix’ anything if you feel like sex has changed in your relationship. I do hope, though, to provide some perspective and offer some guiding questions between you and your partner(s).

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Expectations About Sex

First, let’s talk about the way we set up our expectations about sex in the beginning of our relationships. What does sex look like and how much are you having it?

• The ‘Honeymoon phase’ - Did the relationship start off really charged up? Everything felt exciting and new and maybe there was more time to focus on intimacy and exploration. Did one or both partners really internalize this frequency as the expectation for the entire relationship? 
• Changes to dynamic and power - Was there an expectation of power or roles that no longer feels true? Is there uncertainty of how to navigate switching things up? Maybe the person expected to pursue or initiate wants to be pursued. 
• Shift in interests - Early in your sexual relationship did you and your partner have set interests in the bedroom? Do you expect sex to look a specific way? Have your interests changed and you’re either too timid to bring it up or you don’t share curiosities?
• Natural changes to our bodies - Our bodies age (as they should) ! We might always see someone as the person we fell for but we are always changing. More commonly, I talk about our expectations for our own bodies, not necessarily expectations our partners have for us. Either may be true but it is so important to accept that our bodies will look and move differently throughout our lives.

It makes sense to feel disappointment or discomfort when something we thought to understand changes. Our brains might expect the pattern to continue but we have to adapt and accept that change is normal and healthy. If all partners agree that they want to go back to how things were, that’s also okay to set goals to try and find something similar to the beginning of the relationship. What we absolutely are not doing is shaming or blaming our partners for changing their needs or wants and expecting them to always be a past version of themselves.

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Common Reasons Why Sex Changes

Next, let’s talk about common reasons why sex changes in long term relationships.

• Changing priorities - sometimes sex takes a back burner once there is security in the relationship. Some people see sex as essential while others see it as less important.
• Less time - our schedules fill up! Our days feel short and we find ourselves with less free time to connect. This also comes with more exhaustion and less energy.
• Less privacy - You may have children sleeping in the bed or you may be caregiving aging parents.
• Trauma - one or both of you have been through something that makes you feel disconnected or even too connected to your body. Sharing your body or your inner most self might feel too dangerous.
• Changes in trust - Has something happened in your relationship that makes intimacy feel cut off? Vulnerability at that level might feel inaccessible.
• Pain - Whether from natural aging or through unforeseen circumstance, unwanted pain doesn’t normally make us feel sexy
• Changes to our bodies - Are there blood pressure concerns that contribute to sexual performance? Is one of you going through a depressive episode that clouds perspective and joy? Have your bodies changed since you met and has this impacted self image or worth?
• Stress - the way the body responds to stress does not typically encourage a positive sexual response (Nagoski, 2024). See my last blog for more on this!
• The pressure (or fear) of conception - whether you want to be pregnant or not, there can be added weight to when/how/why you are having sex. Does difficulty conceiving link to fear and disappointment around sex that creates a pattern of avoidance?‍
• Desire discrepancy - the drive to find the time and engage in pleasure might be different between partners (and commonly is !). See my last blog for more on this.

I don’t list out all of these things to bring down the mood, but rather to add context and highlight why it makes sense that sex changes. As you read through this list you probably attributed negativity and a decrease in sex to all or most of them. I might argue that the inverse can be applied as well. Maybe your body has changed but you find it more powerful or sexier and so does your partner. Maybe stress has increased triple fold and sex is a release. Maybe there is illness in the family and this reminds you to live everyday the way you want to. Change doesn’t have to equate to bad or less, just different. Long term relationships are going to go through a lot and the path is not linear, it’s a big squiggle of ups and downs. Desire, play, pleasure, and passion can all rise as well as fall through change and longevity.

Finally, here are some questions to explore:

• Do any of the things listed above feel true for us ?
• What am I seeking with sex ? Passing time, connection, fun, love and affirmation, pure body pleasure, mental/emotional connection, excitement, pain, conception ?

• Does sex hold the same value and priority to each/both of us ? Do we need to find more time for it even when life feels busy ?
• What does it look like to accept the new ways our bodies look, feel, function, or move ?
• Do we have new needs, wants, or fantasies? Do we feel like we can speak openly about them?

The last thought I will leave you with is, ‘do you see one partner as having “the problem” with sex’ ? I cannot stress this enough, your partner is not broken. You are not broken. You just have to rediscover the dynamic between you.

If you are eager to keep exploring your relationship with sex, reach out to our wonderful intake team here at Sage Therapy. I also highly recommend Come As You Are and Come Together by Emily Nagoski, PhD. They are primarily written with women and their partners in mind but I think they contain amazing tools for everyone. 

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Reference:

Nagoski, E. (2024). Come together. Ballentine Books.