I know when I hear the word consent, one of the first things I think of is permission: one person granting another permission. And permission is absolutely an important aspect of any physical interaction. However, when we’re talking about sex and physical intimacy, what if we opened the conversation up to be more holistic and nuanced? What if we looked at more than whether or not permission was given? How might this open our communication, relationships, and sex lives? Keep reading to learn about different models of consent, and how shifting how we look at it may benefit us in multiple ways.

Gatekeeper Model of Consent  

The gatekeeper model of consent might not sound familiar by name, but it is what most of us are taught either explicitly or implicitly. In a stereotypical heteronormative scenario, men want sex and seek access to sex, and women gatekeep sex and give permission for sex to happen. Within this way of thinking, it is a man’s job to convince, persuade, seduce, pressure, manipulate, etc. in order to get what he wants. In the best case scenario, a man makes an offer and the woman can accept or reject that offer. In the worst case scenario, there is coercion and violence. This model assumes men always want sex, and that women’s only interest in sex is as the moral arbiter who decides when sex is allowed (and if a woman makes the wrong decision, she is labeled a prude or a slut).  

While this model originates from a heterosexual framework, the gatekeeper model exists across all genders, sexual orientations, and relationship styles. In queer relationships there is often an assumption that one person is the ‘pursuer’ and the other is the ‘pursued.’ We might notice these assumptions show up in how we think about or apply language like ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ or ‘femme and masc’ to these relationships. This way of thinking can also lead to harmful beliefs such as assuming there is no sexual violence in queer relationships (which is absolutely not true). 

Enthusiastic consent and ‘yes means yes’ are very positive and useful movements that have shifted the conversation around consent from just listening for a no, to actually paying attention to whether or not your partner is enthusiastically saying yes. This is a wonderful and useful change of the framework. It also takes into account how manipulation and coercion can be problematic in these situations, and asks ‘is the person even able to give informed consent in this situation?’ However, ‘yes means yes’ and enthusiastic consent still operate under the gatekeeper model of consent. One person wants sex, and the second person grants or denies access to sex. So while this model is useful in many ways and a great improvement, it still has some limitations. 

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Agreement Model of Consent 

Good news: there is a different way to look at consent! The agreement model. In this model, there is no gatekeeper, because both (or all!) people are active participants and equally involved in naming desires and limits. Instead of asking for a ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ the ask is to discuss and negotiate together what activities are wanted, what limits are needed, what things may feel uncertain or remain questions. Instead of asking ‘do you want to have sex?’ we are asking ‘What would you like to do? What are your desires right now? What activities do you not feel like doing? What would be helpful for me to know about your mood or body at this moment?’ 

This model not only empowers all participants to be actively involved and co-creating the experience, it also acknowledges that desires and limits can change, and what is wanted one day may not be the next. It also encourages us to look at sex not just as one specific act or only focused on orgasms, but instead to explore openly what activities might be enjoyable. 

There is a great video that demonstrates how consent within sexual relationships should work through a metaphor of offering someone a cup of tea (watch it here). It goes through lots of examples, such as: If you offer someone tea and they say they’re not sure, you wouldn’t then force them to drink tea. The agreement model takes this further, and says actually let’s have an entire conversation about the tea: what flavors are there? Hot or iced? Sugar? Milk? Maybe I only want tea if there’s cookies to go with it. It’s not a simple yes or no question, it’s an entire conversation, a negotiation, and a chance for all participants to name their wants. 

Finding Embodied Consent    

Once we start looking as sex (or any intimate physical activity) as an agreement between people, we can turn our attention to exploring the question: ‘what do I want?’ If sex is an open, explorative, activity that all participants take equal part in creating, then assumptions and preconceived scripts can be let go of, and our options become endless. This can also be overwhelming, and can sometimes lead to a greater understanding that we may not know what we truly desire or what brings us pleasure. 

One of the first steps can be working to understand how to be in consent with yourself. Can I access my own yeses, nos, and maybes? Do I know what I want and what  feels good for me from moment to moment? Before being able to access this information while with a partner, learning to notice and trust this information on your own is important. Taking time to explore and contemplate what you enjoy and find pleasure in, whether it is related to sex or not, can be a useful step. Some people might find it relatively easy to access this information, but for some people this step alone is incredibly difficult. It can take time, patience, and practice to learn to recognize your own desires in the moment. 

Once you can access this information on your own, you can communicate it to someone else. Sometimes this means slowing down and taking a pause before answering someone’s request. This might mean slowing down and taking a pause to think of your own desires and something you want to request from someone else. This can be uncomfortable and new, but it is worth practicing and trying, as it can open up communication and change your relationship to physical intimacy. 

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Resources to Explore 

You may be thinking, ‘where do I even begin!?’ Luckily, there are a number of resources available, and some specific theories/ modalities that talk about consent as an agreement and offer some education, tools, and activities to help explore. 

1. Mindfulness 

Basic mindfulness can help as a starting point to learn more about how to be in touch with your body, what you’re feeling, and what you might want. You might start by pausing for a few moments to notice your breath, notice how your feet feel on the ground, or going through your five senses and seeing what you notice. You may enjoy more extensive activities like guided meditation or breathing exercises.  Pausing and practicing some mindfulness throughout the day, and specifically before engaging in physical intimacy, can help you start to make choices that are more grounded. 

2. The Wheel of Consent 

The Wheel of Consent is a model created by Dr. Betty Martin specifically for professionals who work with touch in their practice (she was originally a chiropractor, and later a sexologist). The Wheel of Consent was originally created for professionals working with touch, and the principles do not apply to all sexually and physically intimate activities, but it can be a great learning resource and helpful way to explore consent and agreements. You can read the book or check out resources on the website, including videos that facilitate certain embodiment activities:  https://www.wheelofconsent.org/ 

3. Sensate Focus 

Sensate Focus is a modality used by many sex and couples therapists to help partners explore physical touch in a no-pressure way. There is a step by step set of touch experiences for couples to explore. This process can slow things down, allow each partner to experience what it feels like to be touched, and give an opportunity to practice being present and grounded during touch. If this sounds like something that might benefit you, reaching out to a therapist who practices sensate focus is a great first step (and we have some right here at Sage!) 

4. BDSM/Kink Negotiations 

Anyone involved with the BDSM or kink scene probably already knows that this community has always been exploring and refining communication around physical, intimate, and sexual activities. Even for people who have no interest in exploring anything kinky or related to BDSM, the models for negotiation can be very helpful for talking about even the most vanilla of sex acts. Some people find it useful to go over a list of potential sexual activities in order to identify desires, limits, and curiosities. There are standard BDSM/ Kink versions such as this Kink Interest and Willingness Inventory. These types of lists can also be used to talk about intimacy and sex in general, such as this list from Scarleteen. Exploring these lists on your own or with a partner can be a great way to start thinking about what activities you want to include during sex, and how to talk about them. 

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Conclusion 

Shifting how we look at consent can have a big effect on our relationships, our sex lives, and our own mental health. Changing from a gatekeeper model to an agreement model, learning to identify and value our own desires and limits, and practicing communicating these with our partners can help become more active, enthusiastic participants in our sex lives, and help us find enjoyment and pleasure in ways that previously may have felt unachievable. So let’s stop asking closed ended questions, and start asking for open ended exploration, we might be surprised what we learn about our partners and ourselves! 

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Further Learning  

• The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin 
• Creating Consent Culture by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott 
• Learn more about Sensate Focus 
• How to Talk About Sex (and Consent): 4 Lessons from the Kink Community