Ask Allison: Is Our Conflict Healthy or Harmful?

Hi, I’m Allison and I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist. Every week I talk to all different dynamics of relationships. It’s a pretty cool job! Welcome to Ask Allison, a series where I am answering your relationship questions. People on their own are complex – and then we combine all of those complexities in relationships. Tricky moments are going to happen, so let’s talk about it! To submit questions, please email amilewsky@sagetherapy.com. Identifying information has been changed to ensure confidentiality.

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Alex, 45: I know couples fight, but sometimes I feel scared when we do. How do I know if we fight like other couples ?

Conflict is normal and expected! On your own, you have histories, wants, needs, identities, interests, and beliefs that you’re trying to make sense of. When we are in relationships, we take all of these things from two (or more) people and try to put them together. Of course it won’t always line up in a perfect match. It’s okay to disagree or have different perspectives.  It’s not okay to threaten, intimidate, or exert control over our partners. 

You may have seen the term domestic violence, but I am going to use interpartner violence (IPV) because this extends the definition to include partners who may not live together. The U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention defines IPV as, “abuse or aggression that occurs in a romantic relationship. Intimate partner refers to both current and former spouses and dating partners… It can range from one episode of violence to chronic and severe episodes over multiple years” (CDC, 2024). IPV isn’t limited to physical fighting, according to the CDC, over 61 million women and 53 million men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (2024).

Arguing, disagreeing, fighting, etc are not always signs of IPV. Again, conflict is normal. According to relationship research by The Gottman Institute, all couples experience perpetual, or ‘forever’, conflict. The conversations that revolve around unsolvable differences in values, perspectives, and needs. In fact, 69% of conflict in relationships stems from perpetual conflict (Fulwiler, 2024). 

What’s important to understand is the difference between healthy conflict and abuse.

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What does harmful conflict/abuse look like?

• Physical Violence - hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, hair pulling, choking, restraining and other ways people hurt or attempt to hurt someone else
• Sexual Violence - sexual contact or non physical sexual event (like sexting) that is unwanted and without consent. Coercion into these acts when someone is unable to give consent.
• Psychological aggression - intention to harm emotionally or mentally, or to exert power over someone
  
  • Constant blaming
  • Gaslighting
  • Belittling
  • Humiliating
  • Isolating someone from others

In harmful relationships, we often see the cycle of violence. This is where perpetrators cycle between three main states: tension building, violence, and a ‘honeymoon’ period where abusers feel remorse and apologize with words, acts of care, and even gifts. It may feel like things have changed during the ‘honeymoon’ stage but all too often the cycle begins again and tension builds. Violence is often talked about in gendered terms, but anyone can experience it.

What does healthy conflict look like?

• Disagreeing while still listening
• Taking a break to calm down
• Having different expectations and expressing disappointment
• Expressing the feelings of anger or frustration without aggression
• Taking accountability for your part in the conflict
• Taking turns speaking and listening

If you are reading this and notice some alarm bells, talk to someone you trust and reach out to these resources:

• City of Chicago Domestic Violence Help Line 1-877-863-6338
• National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
  
  • https://www.thehotline.org/
  • Online chat, texting service, and phone line
• Sage Therapy for individual therapy

If you identify more with the healthy conflict, but you and your partner(s) still need some help, reach out to our lovely intake team to schedule with a couples therapist.

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References:

• Fulwiler, M. (2024, June 26). Managing conflict: Solvable vs. perpetual problems. The Gottman Institute.
• U.S. Centers for Diseases Control and Prevention. (2024, May 16). About intimate partner violence. 
• Washington D.C. Metropolitan Police. (2023). Cycle of Violence [image]